Just a tiny obsession
by Hollow-Dreamer
Summary: A dramatic and poetic story about a confused girl delving into the art of self mutilation. Note: Chapter fourteen has finally been uploaded.
1. The shameful beginning

I'm not sure when it started.  
It was like a little obsession at first  
just creating raised pink lines  
to make my "friends" concerned

Then later on  
the problem started  
its not like im depressed or anything  
if I was I'd use a knife

I use this blunt razor I found in herbology  
It looked like it hadnt been used in years  
If you slash it over your skin enough times you get throbbing scratches  
But if anyone sees them and asks  
I say a cat scratched me.

Its not like anyone would care  
Its not DANGEROUS per say  
Just a pathetic little addiction.  
A desire to see the raised pink scabs  
I don't know  
Maybe I've got a problem  
Heck, your talking to the person who used to dangle  
with a scarf tied round their neck from their waredrobe  
So maybeI am crazy  
But not deranged  
And that's not really any of your buisness is it?

In the summer months it might be difficult  
I'll have to slash my thighs  
cause just below the elbow is quite easy to notice  
But I'll be fine  
its only about three cuts a week  
and they only get sore if I have a bad day  
so its not really that much of a problem  
just a naughty little habit  
so im going to leave now  
and your going to forget that you ever read this

_OBLIVIATE!

* * *

_

A/N: This is my little fic about someone cutting (its either Harry or Hermione, I havent decided) So read, and see what happens to those who are not suicidal but do cut 

P.S and review please. . .


	2. A continuation of a habbit

Do you remember me?  
Im sure you dont  
Its like over the past few months I've become invisable

Only four people can see me  
My parents,  
and my two friends

God, please dont let my friends leave  
I never had many friends

I havent slashed in awhile  
The scabs are quite faint now  
They look angry, red  
but they dont hurt  
I often wonder if I'll get scars from this  
How would I explain that?  
But then  
What person actually looks at a persons elbow?

Ive been getting knots now  
I wonder if they're guilt  
Knowing what im doing  
Knowing that I shouldnt  
My chest aches  
And deep knots get tied

They hurt  
They hurt much more than when I slash  
Have you noticed that I never say "cut"?  
Cause its not cutting really  
Cutting involves blood  
I just break the skin

Hmmm . . .  
I wonder if I'll start again  
My chest aches now  
The knots are being tied

I think that this is helping  
Getting rid of all my thoughts  
Its like they're flowing away

Of course they'll come back soon  
When I get to class and my friends aren't there  
and I sit miserably by myself and try to look like i dont care  
Even though inside im crying

Im leaving now  
and your going to forget me again  
just like everyone else does  
But this time its by my hand  
Not others  
and I have to say im glad

Good-bye

_  
OBLIVIATE!

* * *

_

A/N: Well this be the end of chapter two! YAY! I dont know when I'll next update, could be tomorrow, next month, next YEAR. Im quite erratic in my updating 

Thank you for reading  
Review


	3. Dangerous addiction

Its getting harder now  
Hiding the cuts  
It got hot in class today  
and I rolled up my jumper sleeves  
Fortunately no-one noticed them  
They're kinda faint  
Cause I only cut on thursday night  
It gets hot in the library

I don't know why  
But I can't seem to get the cuts how I like  
The first three I find beautiful  
Its calming just running my finger over them  
But now  
They dont come out right  
No matter how I do them  
No matter how much they hurt at the time  
By the morning you can barely see them

Maybe my razors getting too blunt  
It never was very sharp  
So maybe I need to find a new blade  
But nothing to sharp of course  
I dont want to bleed  
Im not suicidal

I just want some scratches on my arm  
Im getting scared now  
In History I wanted to slash  
This part im quite ashamed of

It was hot  
And Binns was droning  
so I took out my little razor  
and went to the bathroom  
I took it out and made three small scratches  
they're so faint you can barely see them now  
and that was only this morning

But still  
Its worrying  
Knowing that I start to want to slash during class  
I dont want this to get out of hand  
Dont want to push it TO much

But now its late  
And my friends are calling me  
They think im up here studing for some test  
Little do they know

I often wonder  
What would they do if they found out?  
Probably wouldnt handle it very well  
Knowing them

Boys

Thats a story for another time though  
And yes  
I must _Obliviate _you  
Cant have anyone finding out my little secret  
My tiny obsession

Goodbye

_OBLIVIATE!

* * *

A/N: Yes, another chapter has been finished, I can feel inspiration running through me! So what do you think? As good as the other two? Same quality? Better? Worse?  
P.s that inspiration running through me? I will need some reviews to fuel it. Hint hint_

Review


	4. A growing obsession

The first cuts are almost healed now  
The scabs have faded into my skin  
I try to make new ones  
But it never works

All the pain and stinging  
yet nothing comes from it  
My blade must be to blunt  
ill try and find another one

My books seem to protect me  
The smell of anchient paper is so calming  
My friends don't understand me  
After all  
How many people like to READ these days

We had a quidditch match today  
But im not saying who won just yet  
The main point is that afterwards  
I wanted to slash  
I wanted to dig my blunt blade into my arm  
Create the pink throbbing scabs

It scares me

Just like during History  
I was stroking my scabs  
its soothing to feel the raised skin

When im around my friends I seem to forget  
But alone at night it starts again

Ive made some new ones  
Around five since thursday  
Im so ashamed  
I SWORE that i wouldnt do more than three a week  
I didnt want it to get out of hand

But now my friends are calling  
And I know I have to go  
the scratches are staring up at me  
angry raised lines  
showing my hate

Im going back to my friends now  
Im going to forget  
Its only temporary  
but its nice just the same

My little obsession is growing  
gaining size  
Ill have to stop it some day  
But for now I'll meet my friends  
to forget this  
and you'll forget me

_OBLIVIATE!

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure if this is up to the standards of my other chapters. . .but hey!  
I would also like to personally reply to a certain reviewer_

Kill mary sue  
You are a stupid idiotic coward who only sounds tough because you know no-one can track you via annonomous reviews. IF you have something to say that ISNT helpful to the story (e.g constructive criticism) then please, SHUT UP!

Well, I believe that I have had my rant. Also, to Kill mary sue I have NO idea why you sent that review saying that if i deleted your reviews then you would just repost them. Did i EVER give ANY sign that I was going to delete them? Hmmm?

Reviewers, please stick to CONSTRUCTIVE critiscism if you feel that my story/poem is not the greatest. Dont put OMG YOU SUCK! tell me where i need to improve so that you wont put that in for the next chapter.

THANK YOU!  
Now please send your NICE or CONSTRUCTIVE reviews to this story  
Thank you again


	5. Begginning to shame

Im feeling quite proud of myself  
I've finally managed to make a decent scratch.

That sounds so odd

Its weird  
Sometimes I even forget they're there  
Then I roll up my sleeves  
And they stare up at me  
It was quite awful in Charms  
My friends had rolled up there sleeves  
I think Flitwick had put a warming charm on the classroom  
So I rolled mine up

And then I had to shove them down quickly so my friends wouldn't notice  
They heard me though  
And they turned around  
But by that time I was staring at the teacher  
And they thought they had just imagined it

Im in my dorm now  
My roommates are giggling and plaiting each others hair  
Im sitting on my bed  
The curtains drawn  
Because no-one ever askes me to join

Im sitting here  
With my blunt little blade  
Admiring the deep scratch that I made last night  
Its going to be like the first ones  
Deep and raised  
Calming

I've made some new ones too  
My left elbows a mass of scratches  
I look like I had a fight with the Whomping Willow

They sting a bit  
But not really  
They dont hurt as much as my head

I was sitting in Arithmancy  
All alone  
And contrary to my friends belief I DONT sit at the front for all my lessons  
In this one I sit at the back  
Unnoticed  
Like a shadow  
A shadow with her book

My friends are already up in their dorm  
Probably fast asleep  
and snoring  
So no-one's coming to call me tonight  
Its just me and my blunt blade

Im going to try and make some deeper scratches  
Ones that scab over  
You can go now  
Leave be in the darkness

I'll be fine

_OBLIVIATE!

* * *

A/N: Well, Another chapter finished! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
Screams for joy  
please review  
Because otherwise ill. . .do something!  
REVIEW  
And I shall write another chapter!_

A/N: Well, Another chapter finished! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!Screams for joyplease reviewBecause otherwise ill. . .do something!REVIEWAnd I shall write another chapter! 


	6. Terrifying feelings

I made my first cut the other day  
I just kept slashing over the scratch  
Its odd  
The cuts seem to almost go numb after a while  
So you cant feel a thing

Ive made three so far  
Deep, itching scabs  
They're healing over  
But I'll make some new ones tonight  
While my friends are at Quidditch

Sometimes I envy my friends  
They have to confidence to show people who they really are  
I have to hide behind my books

I can hear music now  
One of my room-mates must have charmed a radio to play  
They've got some sappy boy band or something  
You wouldnt think they'd listen to muggle music though  
and I would have thought that they'd have better choice

They're not acutally that big really  
My cuts  
the longest is about half an inch  
But they still feel nice  
To know that I have some control over myself  
To know that I can still understand something

But do I really understand why I do this?

Im sure thats what people would say if they found out  
Either that or ridicule me and stick the information up on the notice boards  
I can see the head line now  
"Biggest know-all ever cuts herself! See inside for more information on her pathetic life."  
Yep. Thats what it would be

I suppose I dont have much self confidence  
Except for the Yule Ball I've never really felt pretty  
Maybe I should work on that  
But for now  
Im going to look at my cuts  
Read my wonderful books  
The books that I hide behind  
The books that keep me safe

You can go now  
The libraries a quiet place  
Your disturbing others  
Dont worry about me.  
I have my blunt little blade

It'll make things better again

Goodbye

_OBLIVIATE!_

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Well, Im sorry that this story hasn't been updated for a while. I wrote this chapter about three weeks ago but my mid term exams just finished, so I was busy studying and I forgot about it. But fear not! As the chapter is here now, and I got a good mark for my maths exam (in the fourties! Out of FIFTY) So please, enjoy thechapter, and considerately review this kind author, so she shall notbe forced to ransom this fic._

_Thank you  
Review._


	7. The musings of a girl

Hello.

Its been awhile hasn't it?  
A lot has happened since we last talked.  
My cuts have healed over now

At first they were just scabs  
But I think I cut to deep into my arm  
And now they've become scars  
Three nice even scars  
They're quite beautiful actually  
To think that they will be there forever  
The only downside is that even though they scarred weeks ago  
They still seem vivid and red

Now I don't have large scabs on my arms  
So I don't have to be so careful  
And my friends dont even notice them  
Not that they would have  
I don't really think its normal to look deliberately at a persons elbow.  
And one of them is half blind anyway.  
The other one doesn't notice my appearence.

How sad

That my life has come down to this  
To talking to the air  
About the self inflicted scars on my arm  
But I seem to be getting better now  
I dont cut myself anymore  
I think that seeing the scars made it real somehow  
Knowing that they wouldnt go away  
And now I dont have to make new cuts  
I can just run my finger over my beautiful scars

They really are beautiful

Im more relaxed now  
The exams havejust finished  
So my mind has been distracted these past few weeks

My friends think I'm insane  
I started studying at least three weeks before anyone else  
But you do have to study to get good grades you know

And now that the exams are over  
I feel a sense of fufilment  
As though I am whole again

We'll be going home in a few weeks  
I'll be going home to my mother and father  
It'll be nice

Contrary to belief I do get stressed about my homework  
Being a smart witch doesnt get your homework done for you  
So I can distract myself during the holidays  
Until I come back  
And that blunt little blade starts to beckon me once again.

You might not see me until next year you know  
Perhaps you could hold onto my blade for me?  
It would only be for a while  
And besides

I might see you again before I leave

Good

_OBLIVIATE

* * *

_

_A/N: Well, another chapter finished. Sadly for the last chapter I have only recieved two reviews thus far, please rectify this fact. Thank you very much. Now, to the story. This can be the end if you want, or the next chapter, however it could go on for eternity, discussing how she slowly succumbs to the pull of the blade, and looses her hold on reality. So what do you think? End soonHappy person **or** end later onvery depressed, possible suicidal person._

_Thank you again and please review_

Also tell which end you would prefer.


	8. The Returning Desire

Oh.  
I succumbed.  
I didn't mean to, honest!  
But there was this niggling  
In my brain  
And I found my blunt little blade at the bottom of my trunk.

Why was it there?  
I thought I gave it to you.  
Maybe im going insane  
Making up memories.  
Who's to say that _this_ isn't a hallucination?

It was horrible at home  
My mother had just bought a new knife  
All shiny and sharp and dangerous  
From the moment I saw it  
All I wanted to do was drag it across my skin  
_Really_ draw blood.

But I resisted.  
Not to well apparently  
Because now there's a new cut on my arm  
All pink and shiny and new

The saddest thing about this  
Is the fact that the whole time all I really wanted was scars  
and now that I have them  
I didn't do enough damage to make them deep.

The scars _look_ painful  
But you can't feel them if you run your fingers over them  
Which is sad  
Because that's all I really wanted.

The first of September is approaching fast.  
I've been frantically trying to learn more information before school  
I need to know even more this year  
My friends basically ask me for help in everything  
So I need to remember things

I wonder  
During this hectic year  
Will the urge come often?  
Or will it die down and be shoved to the darkest corner of my mind.

The memories are there.  
The wonderful feeling of cutting into numb skin  
then feeling the wound begin to throb  
And the feelings of terror  
When the days grew hotter  
and I couldn't wear long sleeves.

But these are all worries that I can think of at another time

You have been wonderful these past months  
I can't remember anyone ever listening to me like this  
and not passing any judgement

So

Just because of that  
Im not going to hold it against you  
that you let me take my little blade home  
Though how could you?  
You don't remember me  
Or do you?

Goodbye

_OBLIVIATE_

* * *

A/N: Thank you to ALL the people who have reviewed thus far! Hugs Thank you SO much to the people who bashed "Kill Mary Sue" (I love you all!) 

This chapter is getting a bit more explanatory. I realised that I never said who this was. By now you've OBVIOUSLY guessed that its Hermione (unless your an idiot) soo. . .im sorry! I MIGHT in later chapters base it around what happens in HBP, but then I'd have to wait a decent length of time so it wont ruin it for people. Let me know if you want that or just whatever I can think of.

Review


	9. The acceptance

Hello.  
Im so tired all the time now...  
its been so long since we've talked  
So much has happened.

I finally decided to experiment  
I got a knife and gave myself a little cut on my hip  
when my mother was out getting my father

it hurt  
but it felt so good  
then later that day  
i stole on of my mothers old serrated bread knives from the kitchen  
And sliced at my thigh.

God it felt good.  
And the cut is about four inches long...  
im a bit worried though  
Because my mother speaks of going swimming  
And Im not sure If the thigh cut would be hidden  
However that is something that I will worry about another time

Right now im just going to talk  
The cutting felt so good  
So deep  
and bloody

I made a page in my diary for my blood  
I also made a cut on my arm  
Just above where the first scars are  
so thats nice

the page has the blood from every cut on the page  
and a little message about how it felt  
How I loved it  
How terrible I felt after a while  
when I realised what I had done

I think im going to redo the cut on my thigh though  
Im not sure its deep enough to scar  
I've always been obsessed with scars  
When I was little I would pick my scabs deliberately so that I would get them  
I really was a weird child.

Dorky to  
Wearing velvet dresses to school in the winter  
and everyone laughing at me

But thats not important now  
Whats important is that now I have a knife,  
and I dont want you to hang onto them  
because now I _love_ cutting  
I do it almost every night

sure  
They're not deep  
sometimes I just run the edge of the knife up an down my leg  
but the point is that I do cut every night.

Hmm...

I never though I would get so detachted from everything  
Life  
School  
My parents  
pain

But really...  
Its not that bad is it?  
Its my body to do with as I please  
People who drink alcohol alot arent told that they're poisening their body with every sip they take  
or that they'll become addicted if they have one night of heavy drinking  
so why should it be any different with cutting?

Oh well  
No one listens to me anyway  
or even hears me

Except you

Your quite pretty  
You know that?  
I always wanted to look like you do  
My hairs to fluffy  
My mothers talking of buying me a straightener  
But what good would that be at Hogwarts?

So I'll say goodbye to you  
even though I still want to talk  
its been so long  
and theres so much more to tell

goodbye for now at least

ill miss you

_OBLIVIATE_


	10. Hatred

God  
Im such a freak  
Such a stupid idiotic freak  
MORON!

We went swimming the other day  
And I had to use one of my old bathing suits  
It was just a normal one  
But it wasnt low enough to cover my cut  
Which incidently I've redone a couple of times  
So it looks really nasty

But im kinda tired of my knife  
I want a razor  
A nice sharp razor

Anyway my mother saw my cut  
and I told her I got it at school  
But she didnt buy it  
she told me that there has to be a better way to deal with things than hurting myself

Odd though  
when she was talking about it  
I actually had to try hard not to laugh  
she was just so funny!  
talking about how she looked it up on the internet and looking at me earnestly  
asking if I was addicted  
I was trying so hard not to grin  
and to not scream  
ITS NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!

Im so weird  
I think she thinks its a one off time though  
and the idiot hasnt even thought to check my arms  
I guess the first ones arent that noticable  
or something

The thought of school is just so tiring now  
The idea of going to class exhausts me  
I hope it goes away before term starts  
Because I have to maintain my good grades  
My father loves me more when I get good grades  
And my mother does to  
I think

Though in some ways I kinda wanted her to find out  
Kinda  
subconciously  
But...  
Oh I dont know

Im so mixed up now  
and your not helping  
Stop looking at me like that!  
All patronising  
like my mother  
she makes me sick  
stupid moron  
useless  
No one can understand me  
not even some well paid shrink

I've taken to drawing on my arm to  
It looks very cool  
I walk around with words like 'Death'  
and 'Dynasty' on my arms  
My parents didnt think much of it  
I think they were just glad I was finally going through a bit of a rebellious period

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!  
with your big pretty brown eyes  
Your eyes are so pretty  
Like chocolate  
mine are just bland brown  
No one would ever fancy me

I want to join you  
Where you live seems so perfect  
A loving family  
and boys fancying you  
wonder what thats like  
But I have my books  
and in my books I can be free  
But not in my dreams

I had a dream last night  
My mother found more of my cuts  
so she put me into a rehab clinic  
I just remember screaming as she drove away  
and crying and crying  
it was horrible

I've got to be more careful  
Only cut on my hip  
You can draw blood on your hip to!  
You just have to cut deeper  
But thats not a problem

Im not sure my obliviates have been working on you  
they haven't, have they?  
Cause you always seem to remember  
when im talking to you  
and you never express any shock  
when I tell you of what I do

Then maybe  
maybe I wont obliviate you  
No...  
I will anyway  
Just for routines sake  
I just doesnt seem the same simply saying goodbye

Another day  
another part of me slowly rots  
and fades away

Goodbye

_OBLIVIATE!

* * *

_

_A/N: I would like to say thank you to all the people who have reviewed. This has kinda become my pet project. Im quite fond of it...and ive finally got 80 reviews! Thanks to the person who gave the 80th review, I cant remember who you are, but I'll say in the next chapter_

_Who is Hermione talking to? Well you'll just have to find out wont you! _


	11. Pale existance

Oh,  
Your still here.  
I'd completely forgotten about you 

Its been months hasnt it?  
So much has happened.  
My mother found out about my cutting...

I was so stupid

I tired of my knife, it was so blunt,  
and you had to SAW at your skin to make it bleed

Its kind of vile sawing at your skin  
not graceful  
and the blood didnt run like i wanted it to

So i found my old pencil sharpener and hacked out the blade with my fathers screwdriver  
it was so sharp in the beginning  
i made two lovely deepish cuts on my lower thigh  
but they scarred  
and when i went swimming with my mother she saw them  
and i was treated to the lovely  
"Hurting yourself is not the answer" speech

she doesnt know ANYTHING!  
Just cause she found out and then did "research"  
Which basically means she went online and googled it  
she thinks she knows what im feeling!

I. HATE. HER!  
But the weird thing was when she was telling me all this crap  
I had to contain my laughter

I guess it was her eyes

she was looking at me with her big, earnest eyes  
all solemn and such  
I just thought it was stupid  
She never notices the behaviour,  
she has to have the actual cuts shoved in her face before she even notices!

It says something about her ability to notice me doesnt it?  
Or my abilty to act i suppose...

anyway now I have to be more sneaky

i bought a packet of disposable razors from a supermarket.  
And hacked one of them up.  
its kind of scary how sharp they are I lowered it to my leg and the skin just.  
separated  
like it wasnt there

Then, about two weeks after that I was cutting my leg and I made my first 'real' cut  
the type that oozes blood and doesnt let the skin seam up as it heals

I just pressed down and the skin split!  
It was actually kinda disgusting at first  
I think I retched  
And then it filled with blood and I knew  
it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

How have you been?  
Your just the same as when I last saw you or are you?  
Are those shadows around your eyes tears on your cheeks?  
Why do you feel pity for me?  
I DONT WANT YOUR PITY!

I just want people to accept me for ME  
I dont belong  
No one cares for me.  
im all alone

well, your here  
but you dont count  
your just a face behind a pane of glass  
nonexistant  
like me except your better than me  
you dont resort to cutting yourself  
though sometimes i fail to see how that makes you superior

anyway I hope you continue to smile  
you have a lovely smile  
your teeth are all white and sparkly  
my parents would LOVE to have you as a daughter  
instead of me

i hate them so much sometimes and sometimes  
I just want to blurt out my secret but I cant  
cause it would kill me and they would take me away  
like that song  
"They're coming to take me away ha ha hee he ho ho,  
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time"  
Its a muggle thing.  
but you knew that already didnt you?

Theres not going to be an obliviate this time  
im to tired  
my heart is tired  
my mind is tired  
i tire of this pale existance but im to weak to rectify my life

Go back to your sugar coated world Its not real...

Nothing in this lifetime is...

* * *

A/N: Im so very sorry i havent updated! Its been AGES! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! I can only get on the computer in the weekend, then my computer screwed up and wouldnt let me log in to post! ARG! So i lost a few chapters, but im working on getting them back, never fear! We bought a new computer by the way, so this chapter is brand new...its...different from the other ones  
And coming up is Hermione free verse writing! O.o the feelings being poured onto paper!

Until next time! (which could be remarkably soon)  
Review! And a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG hug to whoever gave me my eightieth review, I love you!


	12. hidden thoughts

_is there something wrong with me? all these feelings all the voices in my head they never cease and I hope they never do cause then id be alone and cold and my mind hurts my heart hurts locked away my screams resound..._

Follow me though im sinking sinking into the myre of my mind my thoughts run and never cease except when i dont want them to and icant stopthinking about life, maybe I should tell.  
_I HATE YOU AND YOUR WEAKNESS!_  
You pour it all out here dont you? Never show whats really there  
let it fall deep into your heart to be locked in an airless dungeon never ever see salvation  
"thou shalt not harm thyself"  
YES I BLOODY WELL WILL!

Dont you know that I hate you? I never used to but now your so mundane, same things same petty little things your too set in your mindset and it gets to me! I bottle all my opinons for you, squishing all the thoughts silencing never ever ever.  
alone my panic reigns alone.  
my fear is placated for the meanwhile but.  
no one can help me.  
never ever ever  
so why bother?  
Im safe with my sweet, steel oblivion, you'll never find me...

whats within  
lonely waters flow past,  
blackened, tainted dust blows  
humans weep in sorrow

to those who hate  
to those who love  
to those who do not care  
angels begone now  
Hell's fires do burn

blackened water  
black blood flowing  
sharp paint  
metal gleams  
red river crimson  
flowing down pale expanse  
sully the flesh beneath

air strangled  
feeling numbed  
emptiness inside  
dead within  
death without  
hollow  
haunted eyes crying

eyes crying for the black blood  
eyes crying for the red  
crying for the sullied flesh  
that rots beneath the breast

Mouth open  
no sound  
slowly dying  
quiet haunted eyes  
tainted blood  
a scream tears through the night

Silent aftermath  
hatred swells and dies  
empty eyes crying  
as whats within does die...

_Alone alone all alone my screams surround the silence reigns  
bitter crimson_


	13. Cracked Perfection

Disclaimer: "Harry Potter(a.k.a 'him'), Hermione Granger, Voldemore(a.k.a 'Him') and Dumbledore(a.k.a 'The Old Man') do not belong to the 'Dreamer. The vague plot featured in this chapter doesnt belong to her either. In fact, she owns nothing, because, as many have most astutely stated, if she did, why on _earth_ would she be writing fanfiction?

* * *

Hello 

Time has flown by, hasn't it?  
I've scarcely thought of you these past few months  
What with all the drama at the end of last year,

And the sorrow

I could barely stand the look on his face  
It made me feel so guilty  
knowing I hadn't stopped him  
knowing I could have stopped him

I've bought a new knife  
I was wandering down Diagon Alley when I saw it  
In a potions store  
This beautiful little knife Nothing special  
but sharp  
and shiny

The stress has been getting to me as of late  
Everyone thinks im just getting a bit more neurotic  
But really I feel like tearing out my hair and SCREAMING!  
Its astonishing how it weighs on you  
that your entire future could be decided by one little piece of paper

Just a little scrap of parchment

And now HE is back,  
the Old Man is making us keep secrets from him  
he was so angry when he found out.  
I hated myself so much

But the blade comforts me in ways i never would have thought

There are so many scars on my arms now  
I am eternally grateful for the dismal climate  
and the cold stone walls  
They give me an excuse to wear my long sleeves,  
even though its the height of summer

God. Whats happening to me?  
I used to be so pulled together  
So calm  
So intelligent  
But who I am now...Oh I dont know

You know though, dont you?  
You've pulled the knowledge from the deep recesses of my mind  
I can see it in your eyes  
Those empty brown eyes  
I feel like your looking into my soul  
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!

Cant you see you've done enough already?  
You, who has clawed up from the depths of my heart and smiles at me from within the glass  
Its all your fault you know.  
Ever since we found each other it has gotten WORSE.  
Since I met you I've discovered the TRUTH about my STUPID self!

But never mind  
Your not so perfect now.  
All cracked  
With crimson tears streaming down your face  
It isnt even your sorrow  
Its not your world to cry and bleed in  
ITS MINE!

And you'll never take it from me  
Ever  
I swear it...

* * *

A/N: Holy Chocolate Starfish Batman! I found the lost chapter!!!!!! But it was crap so I wrote this one. What do you think? Have you guessed who she's talking to yet? Im trying to make it blatently obvious, but you never know, its hard to tell. I've finally got around to incorporating bits of Book Plot into the story, and from here on im going to attempt to follow the sixth book as closely as I can...eh, maybe I'll even create a plot for the seventh year summer holidays. Who knows? The possibilities are endless

So review my pretties!  
Or you shall never know what happens!  
Muahahahahahahaha! 


	14. Broken Little Girls

So 

He died

I must say it was rather less dramatic than I'd've thought  
But that may simply be my fascination with death  
That it ought to be something fantastical  
Magical even  
Though that probably doesn't mean much to you  
Does it?

He was so sad  
So terribly  
Terribly  
Sad  
So visciously angry  
And obsessed

With that boy

I thought my heart might rip out of my body

And though I felt this terrible  
Agonizing sypathy  
Agonizing worry

I couldn't help but hate myself  
He in all his grief  
All his pain  
And madness

And all I could think was

I wish it was me.

I wish I had something  
Anything  
Anything to justify this...

Madness

And that is what it is  
I know it  
Don't try and lie to me

There are too many liars in this world

Like me

I am a liar

I nearly stopped you know  
I nearly lost this  
Urge  
To dig and slash and bleed and weep

Six months

Six months where I could wear short sleeves  
Six blissful months where I thought

Maybe it will be alright

Then he went off with her  
And it hurt  
Hurt so much more than I could bear

But still  
I resisted  
And resisted  
And resisted

And then I remembered the purple fire  
And that sucking  
Black  
Agony

It felt like coming home

Except  
Now  
Now that I've returned  
It doesn't help me as much

God  
I want to be you  
You  
Who is so perfect

Sometimes  
I wish I could just  
Fade away

As if  
I could just sink into the walls  
Be one with the castle

I'm sure stone walls don't feel pain

Fading  
Fading away  
This constant gnawing in my stomache  
Like a sucking black hole  
Devouring me

Maybe  
Just maybe  
If I am good enough  
If I am pure enough  
If I bleed enough

...I can become you?

Oh  
But that is such a stupid thought  
A stupid thougth from a stupid mind

You put your hand up to the glass

Are you trying to get out?

Well you can't!

This Is My Life

And even though you are so very beautiful  
So very perfect

You cannot  
ever  
ever  
ever  
Have it

Because then  
I couldn't even bleed

And If I can't bleed

Doesn't that mean I dont exist?

So you just stay  
Locked behind that glass

But  
The lonliness shall dissapate  
I'll visit often I promise

After all  
We broken little girls have to stick together don't we?

* * *

_A/N: So. Inspiration did return. Rather forcefully. In fact, inspiration decided to visit in the middle of my marketing assignment and bash me around the head with a rusty spoon. _

_Just to clarify: 'He' refers to Sirius, Harry and Ron. 'Her' refers to Lavender, and 'That Boy' refers to Draco_

_As always  
Flames will be used in the baking of suspicious brownies._


End file.
